Hi David, I am drained from chemo but hey its your birthday. Please try and make it a special day.

Much love to you

Dani xx

Posted on October 17, 2010 at 11:14:42 PM by Danielle

Happy birthday, and many more to you, David!
Andrea

Posted on October 18, 2010 at 12:10:11 PM by Andrea

Sorry I missed you Birthday, I hope you took a little time out to enjoy yourself!

Posted on October 19, 2010 at 2:36:41 PM by Lisa

Here is my two cents. . . Pregnancy – Will do strange and not so nice things to a mommy-to-be’s state of mind. The hormones are ranting, raging and causing so many changes both physically and psychologically. Example: I met my best friend when my oldest son was 6 years old. Soon after I became pregnant with my second. I was an overbearing, foul-mouth, argumentative personality – which everyone that new me thought was “normal”, in other words, I was a bitch! New friend was passive, carefree and lovely. She would get so mad at me for not taking off with her to have “us” time – everything was wrapped around my kids, taking care of them and my family and I would rant out at anyone (including hubby and friends) that got in the way. This “state” continued until my youngest was almost 7 years old. This was around the same time that she became pregnant for the first time. Now – it was her turn. . . She became the raging bitch while I calmed down and became the passive one. Her husband came to me during her pregnancy and in the years since wanting to know where his wife went! The Mommy hormones kick in like that of a mother bear – where no one else is right – no one else can do anything as well as the Mommy. Some women do not take it to the extreme, but it does happen. Normally when the “cub” is 6-7 years old and not so dependent on Mommy anymore the hormones tend to settle, hopefully to a passive state. Mind you, the Mommy does not realize that she is doing this. . . she is acting on the feelings within her and she has very little she can do to control it because it seems to her that this is all natural.

Now, on top of all of these life changes that she is dealing with. . . her life partner has cancer. She is probably so freaked out by this that it’s going to cause her to be even more out of control. It’s not that she doesn’t love YOU, she doesn’t know how to deal with all of the emotions. . . not wanting you to know how she feels, etc. She may reject the idea of going to a marriage counselor because she doesn’t view it as a marriage issue – but as a life/control issue. Rachb’s suggestion of a support group is good – as this is directed to you. . . what’s happening with you. . . and may help her realize that you can overcome this – and that you will be there for her. Another suggestion, call her OB/GYN or the hospital where she is going to deliver and see if there are support groups available for parents-to-be. I realize that with everything going on that this may not fit into a schedule, but if you can get her to talk to someone – related with what is going on without the “marriage counseling” tag she may be open, agree and willing to get help.

Congrats on the baby news, when is anticipated big day? You and your wife will be in my prayers, take care,

-Kathy

Posted on July 28, 2010 at 7:28:40 AM by Private User

The responses to your post have been so wise and thoughtful; I really have nothing to add other than this: Two days after I received the cancer diagnosis (March 1, 2010), my ex-husband (who I remain very close with) was hit by a car. His right leg was severed mid-thigh and his left leg was broken in three places and is not healing well enough for him to be up on his new prosthesis. We talk on the phone at least once per day and he comes to visit every Friday. 99% of our conversations are about his struggles. For a while, this upset me and I felt that it was “all about him”. And although I must admit to sometimes feeling that way even still, there are more often times where I can realize that his way of dealing with my diagnosis is to ignore it. He just can’t handle thinking of a possible negative outcome, one where we would not continue to raise our son together. Fear causes him to act in ways that are sometimes not kind. So I have to wonder whether your partner may also be overwhelmed by the fear of raising your child without you and it is manifesting in this way. The human psyche is so diverse and unpredictable. Who knows what experiences have formed her reactions to this kind of stress? Just a thought. I am sure that she loves you (as my ex loves me) and I will pray that these struggles on the journey serve to strengthen your relationship for the long-term.
Congratulations on becoming a parent!
Namaste,
Cynthia

Posted on July 28, 2010 at 10:18:16 AM by Cynthia

Hi David,
It’s a tough order for you and your wife to assimilate life-changing events at the same time.Having a baby is wonderful and exciting, but pregnancy can be difficult too, and anticipating parenthood can be intimidating and scary. Cancer is just scary for the whole family. You’ve been given good ideas above: support groups and/or counseling. Pregnant women must be focused on themselves; it’s the beginning of bonding with the baby. And the hormones can get wacky.

I can’t add fabulous wisdom, just some experience. My husband (Michael) and I have been married for almost 36 years. Life has had ups and downs, and we have had some rocky periods as we have weathered a couple of job losses, infertility and a stillbirth, Michael starting his own business, one of our children presenting us with challenges during his adolescence that we had never imagined (he is now 21 and doing well, thank God), and my cancer.What I am trying to say is that we often don’t have the control over our lives that we would like, and sometimes life just sucks. But we need to get through whatever is thrown at us, because we will once again find the light and the precious parts of life. When is the baby expected?

There are lots of married people on this blog. Spouses can’t provide everything to their partners, and that is okay. I hope you and your wife can work out the tension in your relationship so you can both welcome the baby.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Andrea

Posted on July 28, 2010 at 5:06:41 PM by Andrea

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I’ve looked into counseling for us thru the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance which is where most of my care is being done. They do offer counseling to both the spouse and the patient. Again I’m not confident that she will go thru with this, but I will talk to them and see what they recommend.

As far as the hormones of pregnancy. Thank you guys for being honest with me on that. Yes at times they can be very bad. Sometimes it’s like walking on egg shells around her. Other times she’s all sweet and lovey. Makes no sense but I just go with the flow. Have learned how to stay out of her way during the bad times. Might not be the best approach but it works for now.

As far as when the baby is due. Our first child together (her second) is due November 19th. She is worried and has voice her concern that I won’t have enough recovery time to fully help with the baby.

Posted on July 28, 2010 at 10:25:16 PM by David